BoomerGirl Diary

Regardless of whether the home team won or lost “The Big Game” last night (and due to my Friday afternoon deadline, I’m at a real disadvantage here), I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned about game-day entertaining.

Throwing a watch party is tricky business. Even Martha Stewart would be hard-pressed to come up with a flawless formula for success, especially for a soiree where the focus is a game that looms larger than every Super Bowl, World Series and Olympic event in history combined.

Lord knows, I can’t hold a hand-dipped candle to Martha, but here are some pointers I’ve picked up along the way. Perhaps you can put them to good use at your own watch party tomorrow night. Or next season, as the case may be. (Darn, those early deadlines!)

When hosting a watch party, it’s important to go into it knowing there will be one of two outcomes:

A) If your team wins, you will have thrown the party of the year. Guests will embrace you, weep with joy and vow never to leave your home. People you don’t even know will be clamoring to get on your A-List. And if there is another Big Game pending, you will be obligated to have ANOTHER party exactly like the first one, so as not to mess with the voodoo.

B) If your team loses, guests will be out the door so fast your coasters will spin. They’ll weep, but the tears will be bitter. Your home will be jinxed, forever known as the “House of Pain.” Nothing less than an exorcism will convince friends to cross your threshold again. You’ll go from “A-Lister” to “Loser” in the blink of an eye.

With that understanding, you can now plan the menu.

I’ve learned from experience that when the game is big, stomachs tend to churn, particularly after a long buildup of relentless hype. Guests may show up at your door feeling nauseous from a gut-wrenching case of nerves. For this reason, keep your menu as bland as possible. Consider baked potatoes, Saltines, mashed cauliflower (for the carb-conscious) and vanilla milkshakes. As a general rule of thumb, anything soft and white will work (except horseradish.)

To add interest to your table, bring out your prettiest candy dishes and fill with Tums, Alka-Seltzer, aspirin and a colorful assortment of Xanax, Valium and other anti-anxiety medications. (Caution: Keep away from children!)

Serve all beverages in sippy cups. And not just to the kids. I cannot emphasize this enough.

Pay particular attention to the emotional needs and viewing styles of your guests. Some fans, especially men, do not care to converse with others when there is action on the court. In fact, some will even shush other guests during play. (Yes, these men should’ve stayed home, but don’t suggest it. One must be civil at all times.) It’s best to provide a separate viewing area for them, preferably in the basement.

Others will feel the need to pace. Be sure you have plenty of floor space at the back of the room to prevent disruption of sightlines between your nonpacing guests and the TV.

There are those for whom the stress of watching the game will be too much to bear. These guests may simply get up and leave, and there’s no predicting where they might roam. For this reason, it is advisable to have all bedrooms, bathrooms, closets and outdoor areas tidied up, to avoid embarrassment. If someone wanders off your property, give them a pocket-sized map of the neighborhood so they can find their way back.

Finally (and I think Martha would agree with this advice), make sure the people you invite to your watch party all share the same game-day sensibilities. For example, if your spouse has a tendency to shout expletives at the screen, such as “Make your %&#$-ing FREE THROWS!,” you might not want to invite, say, your pastor.

That’s why my own watch party on Saturday was strictly a family affair — Mom, siblings and spouses, daughter and hubby. Why? Because when you’re all related, the pressure is off. (Besides, in our family, everyone brings their own anxiety medication.) And no matter what the outcome last night, I know we all had a great time in each other’s company.

I just hope Mom found her way back to the house before midnight.