April 13, 2007
Are you over 50? Have you made the mistake of letting someone who was wearing a white lab coat know that you had something peculiar emanating from your nether regions?
Re-read the above paragraph. Remember it. This is something that you should never do unless it involves a large major organ that falls out of you in a public place and is noticed by others, making it impossible to pretend that it didn't happen.
Why? Because these people will have a camera up your insides so fast that it will leave you breathless.
Ever since Katie Couric demonstrated to the world just how stunningly easy it is to smile into a big camera while a little camera is wending its way through the hairpin curves of your colon, thousands of unwary souls have made the mistake of using the words "butt" and "a little funny" in the same sentence while in the presence of a general practitioner.
They give a long list beforehand of what you can expect to happen, what you can and can't eat for more than a day ahead of time, and what you can and can't eat in the hours directly beforehand. And they give you the stuff to take in order to prepare you for the procedure. It's called "Fleet." Before long, I had other "F" names for it, among them Flee, Flash Flood, Flak, and Flambeau. Think Manifest Destiny, and the scouting party is going through first to make sure that anything native to your colon is sent to the reservation, i.e. your toilet, which is where you spend the next two days straight.
No water was allowed the morning of the procedure, but because I'm extra smart and don't need instructions and didn't want to get dehydrated, I drank lots of water that morning, right up until I walked through the doors of the hospital.
I undressed as they asked me about water consumption, and I proudly told them what I'd done. Their faces fell. They were concerned. The doctor came in and they conferred. Their fear was that I might throw up under the mild anesthesia. I promised them that I wouldn't, but the doctor wasn't swayed. He was leaning towards ... not doing it! Which meant ... doing it another day real soon!
Rightfully horrified and thinking of the prospect of having to ingest more Fleet, I put all of my twenty years of sales and marketing skills to work, and they finally relented. (I chose not to mention the fact that I had also consumed two containers of red raspberry Jell-O the night before.)
Did they do it? Praise the gods, yes. It was over before I knew it, the procedure itself a veritable snap in comparison to what led up to it. I was given a Tidy Colon Award and was patted on my raw derriere and sent on my way.
And I don't mean to scare you out there, but even if you don't have questionable ejecta from your backside, they're gonna' get you anyway. Over 50: they've got their eyes on you.
Well ... actually, on your butt.
Comments
mm56 (anonymous) says...
You're seriously so funny. And now, though, I'm scared!
April 13, 2007 at 2:17 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
zinlover (anonymous) says...
I was just 45 when I had "questionable ejecta" (love that!) for the first time. Fleet does not =fun. The worst part of the prep was the five minues it took to down those few ounces. Even diluted in water, I could "feel" it. Plugging the nose did not help. Am I saline sensitive? Others have related that it wasn't that unpleasant. I am not a wimp. I had four children without benefit of anesthesia of any sort (why did we feel we had to do that, anyway?). The next 24 hours was not all that unpleasant, a lot of good quality reading time. The next morning, just as the IV was being prepared, "the insurance company has not yet approved the procedure". Thank goodness my doctor had faith he would be paid and performed the colonoscopy anyway. Which, I might add, was a piece of cake. I too, had watched Katie's procedure, and wanted to watch mine ( I wanted to make sure the Dr. didn't miss anything! As if I would know).I tried my darndest to stay awake, but missed most of it. Last year, at 50, I was very anemic and underwent the scope again. I wish I could say the Fleet was easier to down, but I don't like to fib. Thanks for your post, Pat. Everyone else, don't put it off!
April 13, 2007 at 11:03 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
pdetmer (pdetmer) says...
Don't let this article scare you away from a colonoscopy! It's something that you should have done at a certain age, even though the prep isn't the most fun thing I've ever enountered in my life. The process is well worth the peace of mind you'll have after completing it, although I promise you that I will never deliberately drink any cocktail containing Fleet ...
Pat Detmer
April 14, 2007 at 6:55 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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