Rated M
Posted by Carol Starr Schneider on May 3rd, 2008
If I’m remembered for one thing in this glorious life, it will be for my legendary impatience in situations I cannot control.
“She hated to wait in line,” my obit will read. “She wrote about it often. She wanted the world to move faster. She dreamed of efficiency, a dream she was regularly denied.”
On Tuesday I was tested yet again in a mammoth venue that monitors your every move, should you be tempted to walk off with a refrigerator or washing machine. Normally, I would never enter such a harshly-lit establishment on my own. It is a scientific fact that fluorescent lighting speeds up the aging process, depletes the body of vital nutrients and makes all of mankind look bad.
But my youngest son commanded me to be at Best Buy when the store opened, and as usual, I obeyed. I got in line behind 25 other obedient consumers and within seconds started cursing myself. Book titles popped into my head, one after another: “The Pushover Parent.” “You Relax, I’ll Take Out the Trash.” “Let Me Do Your Homework For You.”
I knew I had better refocus my attention on something other than my parental failings, or I’d never fulfill the task at hand. Luckily, I found myself delightfully distracted. Adorably scruffy young men surrounded me on all sides. Talking to them passed the time nicely. My very presence intrigued them. I stood out like a short little alien. Yes, I was the only Boomer mom in the place, waiting my turn to buy a ticket to the sickest place on earth.
That’s right, I’m talking about that repellent, whore-laden video game that dudes everywhere are queuing up to buy: Grand Theft Auto IV, “escapist excitement at its technological best.”
This baby’s rated M for Mature. Here are just a few offerings from its smorgasbord of sin: Blood. Intense Violence. Partial Nudity. Strong Language. Strong Sexual Content. Use of Drugs and Alcohol.
All I can say is: Bring it on! If that doesn’t paint a clear enough picture of what Grand Theft Auto IV provides, check out the description of this nasty joy ride:
What does the American dream mean today? For Niko Bellic fresh off the boat from Europe, it is the hope he can escape his past. For his cousin Roman, it is the vision that together they can find fortune in Liberty City, gateway to the land of opportunity. As they slip into debt and get dragged in a criminal underworld by a series of shysters, thieves and sociopaths, they discover that the reality is very different from the dream in a city that worships money and status, and is heaven for those who have them and a living nightmare for those who don’t.
As the boys and I killed time waiting for Best Buy to cough up the goods, a tall dude with an earring shot me a smile.
“You don’t look like you’d be into Grand Theft Auto,” he ventured.
“Oh, I’m not. I think it’s disgusting and sexist and spells the end of Western civilization. Not that I judge. I’m buying it for my son,” I explained. In self-defense, I added, “with his money.”
“Whoa. Aren’t you a cool mom. Mine would never have done that, man.”
The others agreed. No mother in her right mind would go out of her way to bring Grand Theft Auto into the house. Suddenly, I felt redeemed. Waiting 45 minutes in line wasn’t that bad, after all. I met a soldier back from Iraq. I met a law student, an X-ray technician, a short order cook. They were all there for the same thing. They didn’t give a hoot about ethics or silly moral standards. They were looking for the best gaming experience of all time. The ultimate couch potato nirvana. I certainly hope they achieved their oneness with the video gods.
According to my son, the game is worthy of all the hype. And chances are I’ll never understand why. Some like “American Idol.” Some like Grand Theft Auto. Everyone needs a vicarious thrill now and then… even if you have to wait in a long line to get it.
at 9:24 p.m.
So...uh...Where was your son during all of this? The kid's got his license now, right? Not sure how he ended up wherever and you ended up in a place you'd rather not be. Please explain. Thanks, I enjoy reading your stories.