February 24, 2007
This past December as I was saying good-bye again to my 85 year-old father and my 80 year-old mother after a weeklong Kansas City visit, a pit in the bottom of my stomach emerged.
This was not the typical guilty feeling I get when I say, “So long, I am headed back to Texas.” It is always hard for me to part from this cute couple who raised, educated, encouraged and loved me.
This time the feeling was different. Seemed more intrinsic. Very close to what I felt the first time I left my daughter or son in the care of a sitter or perhaps pre-school teacher.
This major role reversal sensation made me realize how clearly connected we can be to our parents by sheer instinct and made me appreciate even more what my sister, Janet, feels as she serves as the proud, sometimes stressed, “new parent” for our Mom and Dad.
Two years ago our parents selflessly decided “not to be a burden” to their six children and move from their home of 50 years to an assisted living facility. Our father was really the one who insisted on the move because as a retired physician he witnessed his older patients live independently, grow frail and break a limb or a hip while caring for their house. Dad would tell a story of someone who was shoveling snow, mowing the lawn or just stepping off the porch and he would say, “After that, they never really recovered.” Not that one can’t fall and break a hip in an assisted living facility, but he believes the odds are less likely.
While the place they are living in is extremely good and provides many services, our folks live independently and need my sister to help them manage and serve as their daily advocate.
Aside from her paying job as an attorney, some of Janet’s chores include driving our folks to their medical appointments, helping pay bills, filing insurance claims, shopping for clothes, buying groceries, pharmacy pick ups, cat care, and simply being there for them. My two brothers and sister in-law who live in town are also a big help and Janet delegates some of the work to them. But generally, Janet is the “go to daughter” first.
Thank God we have Janet and she is not alone. My sister is one of the estimated seven million and growing boomer women across the country who is serving as non-paid caregiver for their older parents in some capacity.
According to a recent survey by ElderCarelink of 700 care givers across the country, female caregivers out number males by 6 to 1.
Here are some other survey observations:
• About one third of these estimated 7 million people provide more than 40 hours of care per week.
• 41 percent live with the person or person they care for.
• 57 percent say they very rarely or never take a break from their care giving duties.
• Most caregivers are married with some college education and have children who are grown and no longer living at home.
• 39 percent of respondents reporting conflicts with other family members about the care recipient.
• A significant number also report financial hardship and difficulty maintaining their own homes and family.
• As a result of their responsibilities, some 60 percent of all caregivers say their health has declined since they began providing care, and 69 percent say they feel overwhelmed by care giving.
Perhaps policy makers need to take a hard look at these survey results and know that as boomers age and live longer the challenge to care for the elderly will become even greater for people like my dedicated sister.
Personally we are fortunate that our parents had the means to move into a quality assisted living facility and had the foresight 10 years ago to take out a long-term health insurance policy that covers paid caregivers. However, it is clear everyone needs or will need a family member or good friend to serve as their number one advocate so the people who gave us so much can live and complete their circle of life with dignity.
Comments
everchanging (anonymous) says...
I take care of my ex-mother-in-law as her sons refuse to see her emotional need for human contact. They are good at sending cookies and paying bills but are oblivious to her fear her sadness her desire to be recognized and the absolute human need to connect with another human soul. This thought that our elders are in a 'good' nursing home for some eliviates the burden of guilt. HURRAY for Janet! I assume although at times tired she wouldn't trade her life and responsibilities and embraces the gift of being able to give back to the parents that did so much for her. I wish everyday I could go to a nursing home and see my parents. I am not the fortunate one who gets to feel the pit in my stomach anymore. The parents left long ago and sometimes feeling pain is better than feeling emptiness.
March 8, 2007 at 8:56 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mrpatty50 (anonymous) says...
I consibered it a privledge to care for my mother during her last journey on earth. A privledge.
March 9, 2007 at 7 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
judyz (anonymous) says...
I just lost my mother after caring for her in her last few months. Never thought that I would lose her so soon and am very happy that we had some more time together at the end. Hwever still have many regrets but that is probably natural. It is true that there is a very empty feeling in my life right now. You are doing a very kind thing by addrssing her emotional needs . That is a very important and kind thing to do
April 29, 2007 at 12:03 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
alieberman (alieberman) says...
I moved my mother to my town--where she knew no one--because I could not keep visiting her as much as I needed to. We both agreed that she had to move here. Nevertheless, it would have been a lot easier had she moved here earlier, before her health crises, and built up a support system that consists of more than me, my husband, and a few others. For years, I begged her to do this, to no avail. The Justus sisters are lucky in this regard, for sure! If anyone wants some free advice about being in the position of our parents, it's this: move before you have no choice in the matter!!! I wish my mother had done so, and I am sure she does too.
May 2, 2007 at 8:01 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
janola (anonymous) says...
Like Alice, I moved my mother here because she had several health crises. She had stayed far from all of her children in order to care for her mother, who lived to be 101. When I brought her here, we all thought she would compete with our grandma's longevity. We moved her to Babcock place and she loved it. loved it! Everyone was caring and friendly and she got involved. She never regretted the move and was thankful for her new friends. She died a year ago and I am so happy we could make her happy.
June 3, 2007 at 8:05 a.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
mbladams (anonymous) says...
I work for a non-profit organization that works with older adults and caregivers. We provide information, help in finding and obtaining needed services, comprehensive individualized assessments for frail older adults, plans of care to help keep older adults living at home, and support for both caregivers and older adults.
There are similar organizations in communities across the country. If you facing a situation with elder care and you could use some help, call the ElderCare Locator or visit their web site. http://www.eldercare.gov or 800-677-1116.
June 7, 2007 at 1:33 p.m. ( permalink | suggest removal )
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