BoomerGirl Diary

I went to law school. I passed the bar exam. I have chosen NOT to practice law.

This does not stop relatives I have never met from calling me up and asking me for legal advice. I tell them that I cannot give them legal advice and they say, “Just answer this question…”

I listen. Then I tell them I cannot give them legal advice and they scream at me that it’s not legal advice they want, it’s just the answer to a question! They just want to know if they are in a common-law marriage. Duh. Any idiot lawyer would know the answer to that question.

I lie. I tell them that I don’t know and that they need a smarter idiot than I am, so they should call the lawyer referral service to find one.

Then there are the sneaky ones who just call my mother and ask her the question. She then calls me and asks, pretending that she is just curious.

“Ma, why do you want to know about child custody issues? We are all over 40.” Eventually, she breaks and tells me which of my 129 cousins wants to know. And I tell her to tell them that they need to call a lawyer who will represent them. “They’re poor,” says she. “Good,” I reply, “then they qualify for Legal Aid to help.”

There are the ones who only want a referral to a good lawyer who will win their case. If the lawyer doesn’t win their case, they blame me for sending them to a bad lawyer and they don’t pay the bill. If the lawyer does win their case, it’s because it was a “slam dunk” and the lawyer didn’t even have to work at it so, again, they don’t pay the bill. Either way, I have a relative and a friend both mad at me.

Call the lawyer referral service, I tell them. I don’t know the number, they say. I give it to them.

And there are the guilt masters. “You went to law school and you are wasting that education by not practicing law, so the least you can do is answer my question!” Yeah, we’re Catholic.

“I am not wasting my education.” I reply, “I use it every day.”

It is my education. I earned it. I paid for it. It belongs to me. It is not public property.

I did not see one single person step up to encourage me through eight years of college. I did not find any money in my mailbox when my cabinets were bare because I bought necessary books instead of food. No one ever offered me a weekend of relaxation. And not one congratulatory card came after my parents sent out 300 graduation announcements.

But now, everyone wants a piece of my degree. One distant relative is even putting out a newsletter with my address in it. Prepare for the deluge.

I used to feel guilty for not providing information, but after years of trying and being stung repeatedly, I no longer feel a need to assist. Not one of my relatives has ever taken my advice.

“What do we do now?” my brother and his wife asked me.

“Why are you in this mess?” I ask. “Didn’t you follow the advice I gave you last month?” “Well, no. We figured that you didn’t understand, so we just didn’t make the payments and now we are in foreclosure.” “Okay. What you do now is go to court and explain to the judge that you didn’t make your house payments because your sister told you to make them and you’re pretty sure she’s an idiot anyway.”

My mother is still convinced that it is my fault that they lost their home.

“Why are you in here?” I ask my nephew from the other side of the glass. “Well, I went out and got loaded and they caught me on a random urine analysis.” “Didn’t I warn you about that?” “Aunt, you just don’t understand!”

He’s right. I don’t understand. And my family doesn’t understand why I am not going in there, legal guns blazing, to break him out. He’s had about 30 violations now, and he’s only 17.

It has taken me more than 20 years to learn that my family’s criminal and civil violations do not obligate me to rescue them with my education.

I’m a slow learner.