BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My son is getting divorced. I can’t quite believe it, but he is. The problem is that I feel like he is the one at fault because he had an affair, and I am so mad at him I can’t see straight. I love my daughter-in-law and grandkids and I’m scared she will move away and I will lose them. He tells me I have no right to talk to her, that I have to “back him up,” but the whole time he is acting like a jerk. He isn’t even spending the time with the kids that the court gave him. It is making me sick because I raised him and I don’t like the man he is right now.

His dad says nothing, refuses to even tell his son he is being a jerk, and wants to stay out of it.

Heart Sick

Dear Heart Sick:

It is enough to make anyone feel heartbroken.

There is a lot that comes to mind. First, at the time of a divorce many otherwise sane people look crazy and jerky. Second, you don’t know what happened behind closed doors for the years that preceded the affair. (I am not condoning an affair, ever, but there are always two or more sides to a marriage.) So, he may be 80 percent to blame, even 90 percent, but rarely is one person 100 percent.

What he may be feeling is that you believe and support her, and not him, and he wants your loyalty on his side. Regardless, he can’t tell you that you have no right to talk to her.

I’d suggest taking him aside, maybe out for a lunch, and asking him to help you understand what happened. No blame. No guilt trips. Just listen. You can ask questions but not dole out advice unless he asks.

You can tell him how much it hurts you to be in this bind and that you need to see the grandkids and that you have no grudge against your daughter-in-law. You are looking ten years down the road and don’t want to burn any bridges…. and that it doesn’t mean you don’t love him if you talk to his ex and spend time with the kids.

If he persists in making ultimatums (“It’s me or her”) or not understanding about the kids, then you may have some tough choices. Do you “back up” someone acting like a jerk because he is family or do you do what feels right and hope he’ll come around over time? There are very real risks with either choice.

It would help to be able to talk this through, in depth, with a counselor. It would help your husband as well if he’ll go with you. You really don’t want this to divide your marriage as well.