BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My kids (age 6 and 9) got scared yesterday with the bomb scare. Many of their friends were picked up at school by their parents. I think they felt abandoned because I thought it was an overreaction and did not leave work to go get them. I think that we’re giving our kids very mixed messages right now. I feel fear but don’t want to convey that to my kids. What’s the right thing to do?

Scared Mommy

Dear Scared Mommy:

We are giving kids mixed messages, and the media is making it worse with unrelenting images. No wonder all of us, kids and parents, are anxious.

There is no one right or wrong. Turning off the TV is a step in the "right" direction. Monitor violent content in movies, TV shows (which have gotten ridiculous) and video games. Ask them what they are thinking (I am always amazed as a therapist at the diversity of children’s fantasies and fears), and don’t rush to reassure. Just listen. Ask what their friends are saying. Ask them what they think could help them feel less worried (other than a later bedtime or more ice cream). Offer an opinion, or a strategy, as in “When I’m feeling worried, I do ____________ to help myself relax.” Explain that you did not rush to get them because you knew that they were safe. Giving them tools to calm themselves and different ways of thinking will help them feel less anxious.

None of this will work if you are anxious yourself. Kids are emotional barometers and they pick up everything. If you are not authentic, they will know it. So, your first task is to focus of why you are feeling anxious (if you are) and whether or not it is reality based. The more grounded you are, and if kids feel the adults have a plan, the more secure the kids will feel.

What happened at Virginia Tech has put us all on an emotional "red alert.” Nothing has changed in our real world. But our emotional world has shifted, and, as a consequence, we feel more vulnerable, more vigilant. An incredibly vague phone threat (that might not have elicited the same response two weeks ago) causes a community to go into a quasi-panic mode. Everyone is tense: officials observe how the administration of Virginia Tech is being criticized for not informing everyone immediately, and move to not make that same mistake. The circumstances are so different: two murdered students (killer on the loose) vs. one ambiguous phone call. But we are fearful, not yet sure how to move and adapt to the shift. There is no right and no wrong here. We are all just doing what we feel most comfortable doing in the moment.