BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I have a therapist, but this an issue I feel ashamed to discuss. Ever since the Virginia Tech killings, I have felt more like a bigot. I have these unwelcome thoughts when I see people of different backgrounds. This happened to me after 9-11, much worse. I never said anything or told anyone. But every time I saw someone of Middle Eastern dress or appearance, I would feel this anger, like “You don’t belong here.” I sort of still do. Now I feel that for Asian people as well.

My husband is a liberal, very accepting, and this is so out of character for our family. We always taught our kids to accept everyone and not be judgmental. I grew up in a much more rigid family, and my father was a racist, but it is a part of my background that I thought I’d gotten beyond.

How can I stop these thoughts? I’m so ashamed and they are getting worse.

Can’t Make Them Stop

Dear Can’t Make Them Stop:

You can’t just stop thoughts. But you don’t have to let them define you or determine your behaviors, either.

If you grew up in a racist home, you were influenced. We are all influenced by our environment, and culture, even if a racist word was never uttered in our presence. And after 9-11, our entire country became paranoid, hostile and reactive to those of any ethnicity perceived to be “not a real American.” People of Middle Eastern descent, or Muslim, endured and continue to experience this paranoia in our town, state and country.

Thoughts come, like uninvited guests, into our brain. They multiply like gerbils when there is more fear … personal or cultural. They don’t stop at the “values checkpoint” first. Many people experience contradictions between their chosen beliefs, their values and a gut response (or undesired thought response, however you want to label it). Trying to control, to arbitrarily stop, intrusive and unwelcome thoughts, is a challenge. In fact, trying to do so, if there is an obsessive or compulsive component to our thought process, can make it worse.

Here are some ideas. They may sound dumb. But give it a shot.

Your heart, your values and your logical mind do not accept these thoughts. So, let’s put logic to work. When you have an intrusive thought, dialogue with it rather than try to throw it out. Externalize it. If you had a particularly racist relative, then give your thoughts his or her name. Like “Look, Pete, that is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. What make you think ...?” Remember, this is “Pete” talking, like a bad CD stuck on the same loop. It is a voice in your head, not “you.” Talk back, tell it that you disagree, tell it to shut up and leave you alone.

But dialogue alone won’t work. The best remedy for racism is contact and connection. If you would turn away from someone, then make eye contact. Say hello. Engage in small talk if there is an opportunity. Each otherwise invisible act will take away power from “Pete.”

Racism cannot survive knowledge. So, if this persists, put those values to work. Search out an opportunity to connect with people of different nationalities. Volunteer to host foreign students for holidays or be a host family for a foreign student through a local university. Volunteer for a support group for non-English speaking women to learn English. Call the your local volunteer center and ask what other options they might know about.

Finally, stop beating yourself up: You are aware; you feel shame. Real bigots tend to be oblivious to their own bigotry. They believe what they think and feel is acceptable. Or they cover it, just barely, because they don’t want to be socially unacceptable … until after a few drinks, when it all spills out. You understand that bigotry is unacceptable and ignorant, and you want to eliminate it from your head.

Print out this column, and bring it into your therapist. He or she can help you sort it out, and may have far better guidance than these few ideas.