BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My husband's "hobby," playing an online game, is hurting our relationship. He doesn't see it as a problem, says it is just how he likes to relax. He spends 2 1/2 to three hours a day, more on weekends, and most evenings from after work until after the kids are in bed. He pays a fee each month to play, has "invested" in his character (which is all too confusing to me) and says it is now worth a lot of money. His game friends have online meetings, and he'll skip dinner or leave social functions to get back for these meetings. He never has had friends he did stuff with, so there is a part of me that is glad he has friends even if online. But he seems to be more tight with his game friends than real people and his "real" life, wife and kids included.

One of my friends says to just be glad he isn't having an affair, or watching porn, but I'm getting pretty frustrated.

No More Games

Dear No-More-Games:

A "hobby" is something we do for fun and relaxation after we've met our other responsibilities. Spending 2 1/2 to three hours on weekdays and more on weekends at a computer game is less hobby and more habit ... or obsession ... or addiction. The label may depend on how hard it is to stop or change the behavior.

Now, by addict standards, three hours is not so bad. He still goes to work. There are addicts who have completely withdrawn from real life and lost everything, just as if they were doing drugs.

Some games can be exited or entered individually, which allows for more flexibility, while others involve groups of people. His game sounds like the latter, as he has meetings with other players and has developed his own character. Cutting back time is not usually successful as it is hard to stay in and not be available. Better to disengage, close his account, even try to sell his character. But this requires a serious commitment to change on the part of the player (your husband.)

You husband has an alternative universe that is less stressful, more entertaining and more engaging than real life. So, he wants to spend time there. He has friends there, and he is part of a group with shared interests and their own language and reality. He doesn't have to struggle with the demands and social challenges of maintaining "real" friends, and interactions are less demanding or awkward. It is the perfect venue for people who have had a hard time socially.

But his virtual world is negatively impacting his real world. If he put the roughly 25 hours a week he spends in virtual world into his kids and spouse and home and friends, he'd have a better life. However, that may be hard for him to see.

I anticipate that he will be defensive about any challenge to his "hobby." Be prepared to accept that he may criticize you, and see his behavior as a reaction or response to your behaviors. Be prepared also to change, as marriage is a system and you may have behaviors that need to be changed to improve that system. Start with a letter, which allows him time to respond, where you explain that you miss him, the kids miss him, and his hobby is hurting the marriage and family. Ask for one month 'game free' to see if it makes a difference.

If he agrees, then be supportive of his change. Try to not make family life one chore after another. Plan some fun and express appreciation. You may not understand, but he is giving up something that is very gratifying. If he refuses, however, and gets angry and defensive, then you need to go work with a therapist on your options. It may not be an affair or porn, but online gaming can have serious consequences for a player's personal and work life.