BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I cannot believe it is December. It just caught up to me and I’m realizing that I don’t want to do presents for my husband’s entire family any more. It’s just too much. There are four adults and four kids. I told my husband last night that I was going to tell his family that we aren’t exchanging this year (or ever again) and he said it’s too late for that. He said it doesn’t have to be expensive but we have to get something for everyone. I don’t see why we can’t do it like my family. We stopped doing presents years ago.

What do you think?

Tired of Shopping

Dear Tired:

Sorry to disappoint but I’m siding with your hubby on this one.

First, what your family does and his family does have nothing to do with each other. You don’t get to make the rules.

Second, making a change (or even proposing a change) like this one should be done months in advance, not at the last minute. Other people may have bought their presents last summer and have them wrapped in the closet waiting. And gift giving means different things to different families. For some families, it is how they connect.

Third, in-laws do not get to make unilateral proclamations. That is so not the way to proceed. If you and your husband were to agree, then, in January or February, he could approach his family and write or say “Hey, I was thinking that we maybe re-consider the whole present thing … any thoughts or ideas on that? Maybe we could do a fun gift or ‘crazy’ gift exchange … or a re-gifting exchange.” Whatever, it has to be a family decision. His family.

Now, is there a reason why you just had this “realization” of not wanting to “do presents”? Are you feeling unappreciated in other areas? By his family? Can you talk with your husband about why you feel as you do? Maybe the two of you could come up with a compromise or he could assume the task (of course, then he gets to buy what he wants and I can guarantee you the budget will double.) Is there some other area where you could use more support rather than just stop with the presents? (Like with the cleaning, decorating, cooking, etc.)

For now, however, here are some ideas.

Choose a category, like books, and ask your husband to go with you and do this (it is HIS family) together. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just something that reflects an interest of the person you’re buying for. Big bookstores have sale aisles with lots of diversity. Free gift-wrapping (which many book stores have) will simplify even further (make sure you write down each name on the actual package so you don’t end up unwrapping 10 books because the little stickers fell off … which is what happened to me two years ago.)

The category can be gloves, scarves, music … or limit to one store. Just pick one department store when they are having a big sale and go with your list. Hit the sale racks. Don’t leave until done. The money saved on gas for ten different stores and time saved make it worthwhile.

It’s the gesture, the thought, not the present itself.

My favorite way to deal with holiday shopping doldrums is to share the process. Get a friend to go with you. You help her make choices (and not obsess) and she helps you. You can appreciate each other’s sarcasm and “Scrooginess.” It goes so much faster. Then you treat yourselves to a very nice lunch and a holiday Bloody Mary.