BoomerGirl Diary

Life question:

If a friend has lost someone fairly recently and she isn't telling you what she needs, how do you find out what she needs and really wants?

Life support:

Good question from someone who is obviously a good friend. The person you are writing about is lucky to have you in her life. Thank you! Now to figure out what you should do, let’s break this down. Just like no clothing is truly “one size fits all,” there is no “one size fits all” answer for us as friends.

You have a friend who has lost someone ...

Losing a loved one — partner, friend, family member, or pet — is hard in so many ways. It changes the way we think, feel, and act. And some of those thoughts and feelings may seem to contradict each other. It can feel pretty darned confusing in addition to generally awful. For a while, however we feel is ok. It’s the reaction to that loss. But after a couple of weeks, if we really aren’t able to manage our regular life responsibilities, we need some help. That doesn’t always mean mental health therapy or medication. Sometimes we can get by with “a little help from our friends.”

Your friend isn’t telling you what she needs ...

This is tricky. On the one hand, we respect our close friend. We don’t want to assume we know better than she does about what she needs. We want to give her the space she needs. But on the other hand, we know she’s hurting. And on the other-other hand, we want to make her feel better — soon!

How do you find out what she needs and really wants ...

This is tricky for both of you. Your friend may be able to tell you. But she may not be able to. She may know what she needs and wants. But she may not even know. So you’ve just got to do your best to be a good friend. And that includes listening to her, following through with offers of help, and being honest about your limits.

If your friend is having a hard time since the loss, she may also feel concerned about being a burden to others — which is a terrible way to feel. If this describes your friend, you really need to assure her that you will let her know what you can and what you can’t do. If she can trust you to be honest, it will be more likely that she can ask for and accept what she needs.

If your friend says she’s doing fine, but other people disagree — not just because they know about her loss, but because of the way she’s acting — let her know that you feel concerned about her! Then offer to help in the ways that you can. That might mean coming over with a healthy meal for her. And wearing your favorite cleaning clothes, to help make her living space less depressing. It might mean doing some errands for her. It might mean scheduling an appointment for her with her doctor or therapist, and helping her get there.

Grief is a bumpy road, with ups and downs, and unexpected curves. And it can take longer than expected to get from ”there” to wherever the new “here” is. As a good friend of someone on that road, be both watchful and patient — so you both get through this loss. And your friendship may grow even stronger than before.