BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I’m 47. For the past three decades, I’ve had a lot of the same friends. We’re in the same church, had our babies the same time, been on the same school committees. There’s this expectation, especially with church which can be twice a week and a committee meeting on top of that, that we will always be there, If I miss one Bible study, someone calls to see if I’m sick. If I say I don’t want to do something, like help for a whole Sunday with some fundraising, I get teased and pushed until I say yes. It’s the same talk, same jokes, same everything, over and over, I’ve tried to talk to my husband, but he doesn’t get it. He says I’m turning into an old cranky lady. Inside I feel like I’m gasping for air. I don’t want to lose my friends, but it’s all too much … and if I say this they will be hurt and angry with me.

Cranky

Dear Cranky:

Some friendship groups function like everyone is still in high school and to be friends with anyone outside is somehow “disloyal.” It sounds as if you feel trapped. You care deeply for your friends but you want other types of friendships as well. However, there is no time or room in your life without disengaging from what you are already doing.

How about a weekend alone, a private retreat, to think about what activities you used to enjoy? And what activities you might enjoy now?

Once you identify what you might enjoy, start looking around in your community (or nearby communities) for venues. Book clubs? Civic choirs? Political action groups? Master gardeners? Creative writing classes or groups? A college class?

Once you have a few new “activities,” you have a built-in excuse for pulling back from the other. Or you could simply learn to say “Oh, I’m sorry, but I can’t make it that night. I have another commitment. Ooops … gotta go. Thanks for the call.” Your commitment could be to yourself to lie in the hammock and read. But for many women, that sort of "white lie" elicits too much guilt.

Personally, I think the ability to define one’s boundaries is a sign of mental health and balance even if it takes a few creative excuses.

I read a novel, “The Knitting Circle,” a few months ago. It made me positively long to be a part of a group of women to just be with and knit (and I don’t knit ... but I may start.)

Sometimes having relationships that are not part of the daily fabric of life satisfy the need for diversity. I had one client whose husband had a phobic far of flying and hated to travel. She loved to travel. She got online, found special tours and travel groups for women traveling alone, and just went on a trip. She met a variety of new friends that she sees 1-2 times a year but enjoys tremendously. She finds herself more patient and happy with her home life now as well.

People change and grow. You clearly long for change and growth but feel caged by responsibility and expectations. Friendships should be sustaining, enriching and comforting, not an obligation that leaves you gasping for air. At this point in our lives, we need to reach out, take a few risks.

Don’t cut off, but it is time to add on.