BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

My 16-year-old daughter is driving me nuts. She broke up with this boyfriend of two years about three weeks ago. He cheated on her with another "friend," and she called it off. But now she is spending way too much time in her room, playing the same music over and over and over. I don’t know what it is, but I want to smash the CD. I keep telling her to get over it, get over him, and get on with her life. If he did this now, what else would he do down the road, and how she is better off without him. She cries a lot. When do I see this as a real problem and get her some help?

Earplug Mom

Dear Earplug Mom:

Your daughter’s reaction is pretty normal (so far). It’s only been three weeks and she is mourning a very important relationship. Grief takes time. Telling her to "just get over him" won’t speed up the process. However, it will communicate to her that you don’t understand, and trivializes the depth of her feelings. Logic doesn’t help either, even if there is a small part of her that does know that this relationship would not have lasted, or that she will, in the long run, be better off, this is not the long run. This is NOW, and NOW it hurts to have been betrayed by her boyfriend and her friend. NOW she may also feel hurt that other friends didn’t tell her, or that other kids might be gossiping about her. Now she may be feeling that life is not working out as planned (for the first of many such times.) A two-year relationship for a teenager is a bigger percentage of her life than for a 40-year-old (although each may face equal feelings of loss.)

You need to sit down and really listen to the song. Write down the lyrics. Find out what it is about this song that is feels so important to your daughter at this point in her life. I wager it is saying something to your kid that she needs to hear. Ask her what it means to her. Do you have any songs that helped you cope when you were young and hurting?

Apologize for trying to rush her through her grief. Maybe share (without comparing) a loss you had and how much it hurt and how you maybe didn’t want to treat her loss seriously because you didn’t want to feel how much your baby was hurting. Look for a book that addresses loss, “How To Get Over The Loss of a Love” types, and give it to her with a caring inscription. Ask what you can do that would be helpful to her. Bring her tea. Bring chocolate. Ask her to go on an outing (cut work, take a mother-daughter break somewhere). Distract her. Whatever you do, do not run him down (although you can commiserate of she brings him up). Honor the grief as you would honor and indulge the grief of an adult friend. If you try these approaches, I believe the grief will pass and you will be closer and not estranged.

If nothing changes and none of your sincere efforts crack her depression, then make an appt. with a therapist for her and go with her to provide support.

About two weeks ago, I was driving with the radio on and a song from 1970 came on. “Oo-Oo-child, things are gonna get easier, Oh-Oh, things are gonna get brighter … Someday you’re gonna walk in the light of a beautiful sun, some day when the world is much lighter …" (more or less.) I was instantly transported back to when Wayne Potente messed around with another girl in the dorm and broke my innocent heart. (I think I then broke his glasses, in the drama of breaking up, but that’s another story.) I must have listened to that song 1,000 times over the next months. For me it was consolation and hope. But I bet my mother wanted to smash the record too. Well, it’s 37 years later, and, I’ve got to tell you, the world is much brighter. Let her have her time and space to work through this. And be there to support her when she’s ready to come out of her room.

Now, what was the name of that group? The song is running through my head but I have no memory of ... Help! Menopausal moment in progress.