BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

Every year my husband and I go to Minnesota and meet up with my extended family at the same lake resort. For over 20 years it was the only time the kids got to really connect with their cousins. Now the kids and cousins are grown, and out two kids have jobs where they can’t get off (and they are going off with their friends when they do get off). Not everyone makes it anymore, but I still like to go. My husband says he wants to do something just with me and not my family. He also says he doesn’t want to stay in a cabin where we cook and all. I think he is being selfish since he has me when we’re home.

Pulled Apart

Dear Pulled Apart:

I think it is a wee bit dramatic to see yourself as “pulled apart” but that must be how you are feeling.

Gee. Your husband did what you wanted and vacationed with your family for over 20 years? And now he is asking for time alone with you on a vacation? And this is a problem because …?

Let’s reverse this.

Close your eyes and imagine: Your best friend spent over 20 years going to the same lake with her husband’s family because he wanted to and said it was good for the kids. She had your own ideas, her own dreams, but she sucked it up. Now, the kids are grown, and she wants a few memorable, special days with her spouse… she wants a vacation without his family. She wants his undivided attention, to not make compromises, to see what it is like to be away from home someplace new. A little adventure. A little romance. And she doesn’t want to have to cook or clean up or do anything remotely like she does at home.

Now, what do you think her husband should do?

What does that say about your position?

Being home is not the same as being away from home. Being together at home — with work, chores, responsibilities, etc. — is so very, very different from vacation that I cannot begin to explain. Your husband sounds like a cooperative guy. Give him a break. You had your way or style for over 20 years, indulge him for once. He may be trying to open a door to a different, more intimate relationship with you. Give it a chance. And don’t make him the bad guy with your family (“We can’t come because he won’t.”). Join with him. See them next year.

OR, if you can manage the time and money, do both. Time with family and then, later, a special week alone. Or plan 3 days with family and then head off for a little one-on-one adventure. Talk with him about what makes family time important for you but how you also really want to spend time alone with him. Ask what his fantasy vacation would be. Take him out to dinner and talk about three places you want to go or things you want to do before you die (this is not morbid, just practical as far as planning.)

The person who will be there for you over the next 20 years is telling you he wants to make a few memories. Just the two of you. This is not a bad thing.

Cut loose and dream.