BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

This is urgent.

My husband died 8 months ago and I have two kids, early teens. We’d planned to go to the former in-laws for Thanksgiving but we just got a call that they are ill and have to cancel. I think that maybe they just can’t face the holiday without Bill, but who knows.

I’d head for a friend’s (have to get pushy) but none have kids my kids age, and it all feels so desperate. What I really can’t face is just the three of us alone in the house. My kids want to just pretend Thanksgiving doesn’t exist. I’d thought earlier of getting away but then we had the invite from the in-laws … so never made other plans. What now?

Not Feeling Thankful

Dear NFT:

Holidays after such a devastating loss are tough. Period. No easy way around them. For you or for your children.

If the kids don’t want to go to someone else’s house, then respect that. They may feel that it is too hard to be in the middle of a "happy" family, or that they could get sad and then have to pretend to be all "normal." And they may not be able to articulate their confusing and complex emotions.

Sometimes parents try to recreate the holidays …. like to prove to the kids, and themselves, that life goes on… but we all know that life after a family member dies is not the same. It’s OK to take a break from tradition, to experiment with some alternatives, to not have to pretend.

I often recommend that families do go “away,” even for two nights, and have no demands or expectations of each other. It’s OK to be cranky, OK to cry, OK to let down. Then, the next year, the family can talk about how to celebrate, what traditions to maintain, what new ones to start. One family I worked with decided to all volunteer together for four hours every Thanksgiving packing and fixing and delivering meals for the home-bound. It’s in memory of their Mom, who was a ‘helping’ woman.

This is very last minute, but there are still options. Local to our area, you can book a hotel in Kansas City, or St. Louis. Go stay on the Plaza, dine in a restaurant or hotel buffet, head to the movies in the afternoon. The zoo is open and, big surprise, not at all crowded.

My favorite escape within a three-hour drive is the Lied Lodge in Nebraska City, Neb. Go up on Wednesday, leave Friday. Thursday you can sleep in, go for a hike in the woods, enjoy the very big indoor pool, Jacuzzi, sauna. Play a board game or cards (they have them). Read books. Nap. And then eat a delicious and immense Thanksgiving meal at their very fine restaurant. There was one Thanksgiving where we did just that … I was too pooped to deal with the whole holiday thing, so we packed up ourselves and my parents and took off. I’ve never had such a relaxing holiday, before or since! Soaking in a hot tub and taking a nap instead of peeling potatoes and basting a turkey… it wasn’t so bad. No dishes. No mess, no fuss. I remember that holiday, because it was the exception, more than many others. I actually had time to be with my kids.

You don’t have to feel thankful this year. This is survival mode. But you can cherish your kids, and everyone can hold on tight, and you will get through the day.