BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

This may sound silly but I have a problem over Halloween. For decades, we’ve always had a Halloween party, used to be for our kids and the neighborhood kids, and the last ten years for the grand-kids. We decorate our yard, make a big deal, have a blast, and the kids all trick-or-treat together. That’s how it was even last year. I always dress up in my witch costume.

I just got off the phone with my daughter (age 26) where she told me the Halloween is the holiday of the devil, that we are honoring the devil by having our Halloween party, and that she and the grandkids (ages 4 and 7) will not be coming. Then she said they might not come to any holiday at out house if we support the devil. She refused to come over or go out to lunch with me to talk about this. She refused to call her brother and sister and tell them she isn’t coming.

I feel like I’m in a sci-fi movie. I knew she had started going to a fundamentalist church with her new husband (she married real young, divorced, then remarried last March) this summer but I figured that was just part of building a bond with his side of the family and OK by me. But she has been less-and-less open to us, not coming over or talking on the phone. She’s been “busy” the last three times we invited them all over. Then this bomb got dropped in my lap.

What do I do? I want to go over there and tell her she’s nuts.

Grandma Witch

Dear Grandma:

Let’s not be impulsive.

There are certain churches that believe Halloween is the work of the devil. There have been changes in how schools celebrate the holiday with the kids based on positions from certain churches and parents. This is not just your daughter or just her church.

But it is upsetting, and does seem to be extreme, especially the part about not celebrating any holiday with you if you celebrate Halloween. That feels like blackmail.

I’m thinking different possible scenarios: 1. your adult daughter has made a commitment, of her own free will, to a very fundamentalist belief system and values, in which case this is the first of many differences that may impact the extended family and/or divide you from your daughter; 2. she is being influenced or manipulated by her new husband into adopting beliefs that will cut her off from family, former friends and supports, thus isolating her and making her more dependent in her marriage. This is a very common in controlling or abusive relationships.

I don’t know anything about her husband, his background, his relationship with your daughter, your concerns about that relationship. I also don’t know about your daughter, her own emotional stability, if she has been searching for some direction and belonging, if she is inclined to impulsive decisions, is she is likely to be dependent.

I do know that telling her she is nuts will not help the situation.

Less reaction is the best reaction at this stage. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Have Halloween as you always do. Just think of this year as if she and the kids had the flu (unfortunate, but nothing to dwell on). You need more time and more information before you can develop a response or a strategy.

You could ask her to go to lunch and ask her to explain why she believes as she does and then just listen (NOT argue to try to convince her to change her position.)

If she cuts off more, refuses Christmas, cuts you off from the grandkids… then it’s time to talk to a professional about strategies for how to proceed or ask for family mediation.