BoomerGirl Diary

Dear Susan:

I’m 56 and seem to have misplaced my libido. I thought it was temporary, due to menopause symptoms, stress, getting kids through high school and off to college. But now I have more time, still some menopause stuff, and the libido is still lost. My husband pointed out that it’s been eight years since I really initiated … and that he distinctly remembers me being a “hottie” at times even when the kids were little, so stress is not the cause.

I’m heavier than I was, and so is my hubby. I don’t see myself as “cute” anymore. I thought about taking HRT, but then there was all that negative press a few years ago so I didn’t. I feel distant from my husband in other ways too.

Am I deliberately blocking myself from having sex?

Lost the Libido

Dear Lost:

“Deliberately” is a word that implies intent, focus and purpose. So, that is not the case at all. If you were deliberately blocking intimacy, you probably wouldn’t be asking for guidance.

Many women misplace their libidos, for months or years at a time, due to the conflicting demands of raising kids, work, home and marriage. It isn’t the healthiest way to cope (from the perspective of the marriage) but it’s pretty darn common. Now, while I clearly believe that libido is most often a relationship issue, I'll provide "directions" for you (since you're the one asking.)

So, let’s take a quick look at the more obvious:

1. Menopause can affect libido. A small dose of hormone replacement therapy can help a lot. Yes, there was a major media scare a few years ago about HRT, but the latest research shows very different consequences for women who start HRT in their 50s than 70s… it actually seems to improve heart health, etc. (Note: the revised medical research position didn’t get 1/10th the media focus as the scare factor originally did.) So, a sit-down with your gynecologist is in order. Do some research first. Go in prepared with specific questions. You can always try HRT for a limited time and see if it makes a difference. Or you may find other approaches more consistent with your own physical and emotional needs.

2. Habits are compelling. If we have a habit of making love weekly, we tend to make love. If we get out of the habit, we lose the momentum. Months can pass. It gets more awkward, we unconsciously develop other habits (like watching TV until our spouse is asleep, or going to bed earlier, or complaining about how tired we are every night). So, a “deliberate” approach to observing habits, and than taking small steps to change them, is essential. What could you do differently to just have time with your husband? Forget the sex…. How about a walk? Stroll around an art fair? Have a quiet dinner with no TV? Talk about what you are thinking. Intimate conversation is a form of foreplay… try it for a few weeks and see if your interest perks up. Ask him questions about how he feels, what he wants. Share yourself.

3. Environment can be a factor. A bedroom that is a laundry room, newspaper depository, with “I’ve been meaning to finish that project” spill-over is not appealing. Take a day off work (your health is at stake), get a girlfriend over for support, and clean it out. Closets, junk, everything. Not just re-pile, but get it out. Some sprucing up, paint, maybe new bedding. If you don’t feel peace and contentment when you walk in the bedroom, you probably won’t feel sexual desire either. (This is a girl thing, most of the time anyway, and men do seem capable of sexual desire despite mess … but since it is your desire we’re talking about, every possible step helps.)

4. Try a jump start! Get away from the mess and chores at home. Book a room. Bring the toiletries, clothes, swimsuits for the pool and Jacuzzi over in the afternoon. Maybe a bottle of wine and a few glasses and some chocolate. Take him out for dinner. Then surprise him by not going home. Initiate "Big-Time." A hotel room-key is quite a turn-on. I expect that you’ll feel sexy just planning this.

5. For the long haul, look at the underlying contributing factors. If you are resentful that your spouse is not doing his share at home, talk about it and get very clear on what would be fair…. and explain how it is hard to feel sexy when while doing the dishes if he is watching the game and ignoring you. If you need to drop 20 pounds to feel sexy, then commit to it. Commit to exercise first, because if you exercise consistently, you’ll feel more physical and sensuous, and the number on the scale won’t matter as much. If he needs to lose weight for you to see him as sexy, then talk to him and commit to a lifestyle change together. BUT do realize that it isn’t the actual weight that blocks libido, and your husband is probably still seeing the “hottie” he married. Act hot and you’ll be hot. Re-define “cute” because a 30-year-old-definition will always having you coming up short.

6. Use the most powerful sexual tool you have: your brain. This really is an area where focus matters. Take time each day to reflect on what you want in a physical relationship. Think about what was different about the times in the past when you did feel cherished and desire intimacy. Thinking about sex, visualizing gratifying sex, planning what you can do to help yourself feel more sexual … all influence desire. Journal for yourself about what a strong and gratifying sexual relationship would look like and feel like.

In sum: Your libido is not lost forever. But it has been misplaced. Try these things over the next few months and I’ll bet you’ll feel the slow, sensuous, warmth of desire at some unexpected moments. Really, the inner “hottie” is just waiting to be found.

P.S.: For more guidance and very specific interventions and ideas, get “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michelle Weiner Davis. Her chapters on “The Low Desire Spouses’s Guide for Boosting the Marriage Libido” are great. And the chapters on the “High Desire Spouse’s Guide” might be appropriate reading for your husband. This is not your problem … it is a relationship issue.