Dear Susan:
My daughter is graduating college in May with a degree in art. She wants to move home and try to "make it" as an artist. She has won awards and has talent, but I'm not sure, as I think we'd be enabling her to not face real life (my mother let my alcoholic youngest brother live at home for 15 years to help him "get on his feet"). We have plenty of room (she'd actually have a separate level) so that isn't the issue and we get along OK. I just don't want to allow her to do something that will make her dependent.
Confused Mom
Dear Confused Mom:
Congratulations on having such a talented daughter! With a college degree, too! The fact that she wants to live with you means she feels trusting and you have a good relationship ... which is another accomplishment.
I think the "enabling" word, somewhat useful for diagnostic purposes, is very misunderstood and overused. I think of it as contributing to another's ability to maintain an addiction or dysfunctional behavior, and there is always an element of denial or secrecy. Your daughter is not alcoholic. She has a plan, and she has goals. Having a year or two to focus on developing her art (as long as she works steadily towards her goals), maturing emotionally and professionally, without needing to spend all day doing a job just to pay rent and utilities, is a gift beyond measure. It will help her realistically assess how to organize the rest of her life, and whether she can support herself with her art or whether she has to find another line of work and do art on the side.
Our culture is preoccupied with timetables. Kids move out when they graduate. But in many cultures this is not the norm and staying with the family for a few years is not pathologized.
There are specifics to be negotiated: What are your expectations of her? Hers of you? How much contact? Shared dinner once a week? Twice? More? How will you share chores? What are the courtesies (i.e. will her coming in at 1 a.m. affect your sleep)? Is there a timeline for when you will re-assess the arrangement? If she ends up sleeping until noon and partying at night ... with two hours of art in the middle ... then all bets are off.
Do you feel that this will affect your independence? Did you like your empty nest (I am assuming no younger kids ... but I don't know that)?
It would help for everyone in the family to think seriously about boundaries and what is workable.
However, if this is workable, go for it. In a few years your daughter may be living a few thousand miles away, and into her own life. This could be a gift for you as well, one that many other moms would envy. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to proceed.
Enjoy ... and keep me posted!
If other readers have had different experiences with kids returning home... make a comment.
at 9:45 p.m.
The daughter sounds as though she has a goal in mind - I don't read that she just wants to move home and loaf while mom and dad pay the bills. If parents and adult children can accommodate each other as adults, why not?
If someone has advice about an 18-year-old who is SO not ready to move out - doesn't have a job, has less than $100 in the bank, doesn't see the point of developing the habits that are needed to live on one's own while living at home (he feels that he'll learn once he has to) - I'd certainly like to hear from them. I'm ready to let him go because I know he has to learn, but I feel that the lessons waiting for him are going to put him in a pretty deep hole.