BoomerGirl.com

Dear Susan:

I'm 46 and my husband is in the Reserves. He's been called up to serve in Iraq. He went two years ago for a year. He's going to be a grandfather soon, not some 20-year-old kid, and I get crazy just thinking about it.

Our youngest is starting college this fall, and we're supposed to have this empty nest with time together to reconnect as a couple.

I'm so angry, and it is not helping. I went to an anti-war protest on the 5th anniversary and it made him really mad.

We've had our marital struggles. I'm not sure I can cope with another year alone, but I don't want a divorce. He just sees me as unsupportive in a time of crisis.

Empty and Stuck

Dear Empty and Stuck:

This is a situation shared with thousands and thousands of families around the country. Yes, people in the Reserves for the last 25 years understood in theory that they could get called up, but the Reserves were more seen as a force for domestic catastrophes. For decades, there was no "war."

Your husband has no choice. If his unit is called, he has to go. And it isn't fair to you, but that's just the way it is. How you adapt will determine the future of your marriage.

What was most challenging for you, most difficult, during his last deployment? Was it single parenting (which may be easier this time around)? Feeling lonely? Unexpected household disasters? Feeling disconnected from your husband? Feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated?

Here are some strategies:

1) Think about what was hardest last time and then put structures in place to help manage those issues. For example, ask around for a handyman and interview now while your husband is still here so you both have a dependable, honest person to tackle problems and help make decisions about any household emergency. Hire a college kid to help with yardwork or chores. Don't feel like you have to "do it" all alone

2) Visit with a financial management person to insure eveything is in order and you feel in control as far as finances and also have a guide in a crisis.

3) Think about who you can turn to to cope with issues with the kids... a pastor, a friend, someone who can listen and has a common sense.

4) Even though you are older than a lot of the other spouses, stay involved with the FRG (Family Readiness Group) of your unit. Being a support to the young wives and moms may help you with perspective. Plus, there are not a lot of other women at 46 whose husbands are deployed and that alone can feel very isolating.

5)Try a radical shift in perspective: Your youngest child is in college and you have a year to focus on yourself. What have you wished you could do? Professional development? Take a class or two? Regular exercise? A vacation with some olf friends? There is something very liberating about not having the day-to-day responsibilities for children and spouse. If you don't want to eat dinner, no problem. If you want to stay in your pajamas until noon on Sunday, that's OK too. So, this may the only year you ever have to focus on yourself and no make compromises day-to-day. Don't wallow in self-pity. Focus on being the woman you want to be, and then you can have the empty nest with the hubbie the next year.

6) Get a therapist. I can predict that there will be rough patches. Have the relationship established so you have someone outside the system to talk you through them. Don't wait.

7) Don't debate the war. He has to do his job, and his loyalty is to his troops. He doesn't need to be distracted, and there is no point to discussion. He knows your position. If you feel you need to protest, go ahead, but he has made clear he doesn't want to know, at least for now. You can oppose the war and still support, in many tangible and intangible ways, the troops.

8) Share your own struggles but also how you are coping. Dumping domestic problems on a spouse who is across the globe when he can't do a damn thing about them rarely helps.

9) Keep a future focus ... in your communication with your husband, express the most positive memories you can ... "Remember that time on the lake.... I want to to do that again with you when you get back." Take this time to really think about what you do want in your relationship with your husband for the next 25 years and use this distance as an opportunity to share in depth. I have been a marriage counselor for almost 30 years, and it is obvious to me that 95 percent of marital communication is about superficial stuff .... coordinating schedules, chores, kids, jobs, shopping lists, etcetcetc. Deployment is incredibly hard, but it is also an opportunity to share in a much more thoughtful and caring the deeper levels: how you see the world, what you want from life, why you really are (vulnerabilities and all) ... and to invite your husband to do the same.

I don't know if this is helpful. There are no easy or one-size-fits-all answers. But I do hope it gives you someplace to start.