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Even when their arguments get heated, Mike and Pepper Lancaster of Oakland, Calif., keep it clean. "I'm very anti-drama and try to watch what I say," Mike Lancaster says. "No insults. No name calling."

Arguing is inevitable in most relationships. And many experts agree that a healthy debate or disagreement isn't necessarily all that bad for a marriage. Some issues - finances, child-rearing, health and retirement - are simply worth fighting about. But how you argue and what you argue about can make the difference between a strong relationship and one that's headed for disaster.

When the Lancasters started dating three years ago, they had different arguing styles. Pepper preferred talking until the issue was resolved; Mike needed space. Now, their technique has evolved. They retreat to their corners and revisit the issue in an hour.

"I'll play video games. She'll read a book. Then we come back to it later," Mike Lancaster says. "We'd much rather talk with calm, even heads."

Tim Smith is a marital researcher and psychology professor at the University of Utah who believes couples don't pay enough attention to the number of positive and negative interactions they have. Smith says you should go as far as ensuring you have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

"Over the years it's become very clear that negativity and positivity don't have equal weight," Smith says. "The negative stuff really gets the couple's attention and has a bad effect."

Smith's recent study proves how bad. He and fellow psychologists at the university asked 150 healthy couples to have a one-sided, domineering argument about a touchy topic - money, family, household duties - for six minutes. Those who were on the receiving end experienced a significant and lasting hardening of their coronary arteries. The couples were 60 or older and married an average of 30 years. The atherosclerosis, or hardening of the arteries, was more likely in wives when they and their husbands expressed hostility, and more common in husbands when they or their wives were acting in a controlling manner. The study also indicated that a history of divorce was associated with more severe atherosclerosis.

"A low-quality relationship is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease," Smith says. "And couples of any age who talk negatively about their conflicts have immune systems that are functioning less well."

Kristine Lucero, of Richmond, has been with her boyfriend for three years and says that if they argue, it's usually about money or jealousy. Instead of telling her boyfriend when she's upset, Lucero says she tends to bottle up things that "don't seem like a big deal" at the time, only to unleash a week later. "My boyfriend says I'm like a ticking bomb," Lucero says.

Expressing yourself, your needs and making sure your partner is aware of your expectations are the best ways to diminish conflict, says Dan Beaver, a Walnut Creek, Calif., marriage and family therapist of 35 years and author of "Beyond the Marriage Fantasy" (HarperOne).

Because we live in a competitive culture, Beaver says, arguments often become about who wins, not about resolving the conflict. And that zaps intimacy. So does nagging and fighting dirty, which includes preying on insecurities and bringing up the past.

"It's not about winning," Beaver says. "Our parents only yelled at each other or did it (argued) behind closed doors, so we never learned how to solve conflicts."

But those in the business world certainly do. In his practice, Beaver encourages couples to adopt negotiation tactics and reach agreements without resentment once both parties have been heard, much like a courtroom environment. Look at the concern, validate it and come up with a compromise.

Girlfriend hates your video-gaming habits on Saturdays? Play until noon then indulge her in brunch over the morning newspaper, Beaver says. Not comfortable with your preteen going to camp even though your husband is? Send him to the shorter camp, and make him call every night.

Even putting the toilet seat down has a solution. "I'm a fan of posting signs," Beaver says. "Richard Carlson said don't sweat the small stuff, but I think it's important because the little things build up."

Regina Murphy, of Oakland, has been married for 36 years and says that when she was younger she was more interested in proving she was right when arguing with her husband. "Now it doesn't feel like a competition, and it doesn't feel like very much is worth arguing about," she says.

They used to argue over money or how to raise their son. These days, they're focused on retirement. Regina wanted to let their future unfold naturally; her husband desired a plan.

"Instead of arguing about it, we're exploring what's important to us," she says. "And we realized by listening that each other's happiness is what's most important."

Smith, the marital researcher, says few people can navigate their lives without arguments, particularly with those who care about them. As an example, he uses a wife who is frustrated because her husband won't go to the doctor. "There are times when things are important enough to say, 'I want you to just schedule the (darn) colonoscopy,'" Smith says. What you can control, he says, is how behaviorally equipped you are for the argument.

Avoid things that are not constructive. That's what the Lancasters, the Oakland newlyweds, do. They don't allow yelling and they never push each other's buttons, Mike Lancaster says.

"The thing about us is that usually if one person is upset and heated the other isn't," Pepper Lancaster says. "So we're able to listen and calm the other person down."

How to argue effectively

According to Walnut Creek marriage and family therapist Dan Beaver, most couples he sees argue about sex, money, in-laws, former spouses and disciplining children. But those aren't the problems, Beaver says. The problem is that couples don't know how to deal with conflict in a constructive way. Below are his tips:

• Realize it's not about winning.

• Develop a procedure of talking and listening. Stick to it.

• Compromise, but without resentment.

• Don't argue perceptions of reality. It's a waste of time.

• Share concerns and fears, and arrive at agreements.

• Be assertive. Make sure your needs and expectations are known.