BoomerGirl.com

Detroit — Let's get this straight right away.

Julie Halpert loves her mom dearly.

In fact, the writer - who's a mom herself - says there's no more precious relationship than that between an adult daughter and her mother.

It's just that, well, no one can make an adult daughter feel less like an adult than her mother.

And oftentimes a mother's best-intentioned suggestions - about everything from careers to cleaning to cooking - can sound like criticism to a daughter's sensitive ears.

Halpert knows.

And not just from personal experience.

Halpert, a freelance writer in Ann Arbor, Mich., and Deborah Carr, a sociologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, interviewed nearly 100 women - mothers and their adult daughters - all over the United States about what they conclude is a common concern: Mothers and daughters aren't getting along as well as they should and could.

They compiled their findings and suggestions for making the relationships better in a new book titled "Making Up with Mom: Why Mothers and Daughters Disagree about Kids, Careers, and Casseroles and What To Do About It" (Thomas Dunne Books, $24.95).

How it began

The idea began with Halpert, 42, who grew up in Huntington Woods, Mich., and graduated from Berkley High in 1980 and from the University of Michigan in 1984.

Marriage, a successful career as an environmental journalist and three kids later, she found herself at home one morning in the midst of the usual chaos of getting the kids fed and out the door.

Typical and manageable to her looked like a madhouse to her mom, Joanna Edelson, who happened to be visiting. Edelson offered a few comments, meant to be helpful but taken as hurtful, especially since they came coupled with that look.

"If you're a mother and you have a mother, you probably know the look. It's the doubting glance that makes you question your parenting skills and your competence as an adult," Halpert writes in the introduction to the book.

Sometime after that experience, Halpert came across a reference to an academic study on mother-daughter relationships by Carr.

Halpert contacted Carr, and the two launched the research that culminated in "Making Up with Mom."

Mothers and adult daughters across the country and across cultures and racial and social-economic lines all experience tension on matters related to relationships, housework, child rearing or careers.

The book describes numerous troublesome scenarios.

Mostly, it goes like this: Moms step in uninvited to offer comments or suggestions, daughters bristle, bark, sulk or say nothing, then moms feel shut out.

The things said and left unsaid can inhibit the growth of a strong bond, Halpert says.

"Fundamentally, the mother-daughter relationship is the closest bond there is," she says. "We look to our mothers for approval, and our mothers really want to be close to their daughters.

"Ultimately, we want our mothers to support us, but we find each other snipping at each other."

Edelson, of Huntington Woods, says she's very proud of her daughter for writing the book and understands the book is not really about her in particular.

"She's not trashing me; this is not that kind of book," says Edelson, who has another daughter and a son. "It's a book to help both mothers and daughters understand each other."

Different eras, different lives

The root of some of the tension lies in the way women's lives have changed compared to their mothers, the researchers believe.

Most women today have many more choices than their mothers did - on everything from whether to have children at all to what careers to pursue. Instead of turning to their moms for advice - which used to be commonplace - today's moms turn to books, research or their peers.

"Often we feel they don't get it, and we shut them out," says Halpert, who's been a regular NPR contributor and written for numerous publications, including the New York Times, Parents and Self.

"Women today are navigating so much; our confidence is shaky," Halpert says. "Even the most strong woman wants her mom to say, `You're doing a good job.'"

The authors recommend a series of steps aimed at improving mother-daughter relationships, mostly centered on improving communications between the two.

Key steps include:

• Empathize with one another. The authors offer a plan for doing an oral history aimed at helping to understand and appreciate one another's life experiences and perspectives.

• Think before you speak. For example, instead of criticizing an unkempt house, a mother might ask, "How can I help?" And a daughter, instead of immediately becoming defensive, should remember her mother's desire is to be helpful and that her mom, in fact, "just might know a thing or two."

• Compliment and encourage. Both mom and daughter need and appreciate acknowledgement for jobs well-done. Even small things like telling your mom she has prepared the best matzo balls possible mean a lot, the same way as telling a daughter you admire how she's trying to raise her children.

"A mother-daughter relationship, when it's working well, is one of the greatest sources of strength and support for each other," Halpert says. "Our goal is to offer practical, helpful realistic ways to get there."

'Nobody's perfect'

Halpert and Edelson both believe their relationship improved since Halpert's research and writing of the book.

Not that it was ever really bad.

But Edelson, a retired Detroit English and speech teacher, acknowledges that she may have offered unsolicited advice.

"I did not realize that daughters were so eager to please their moms and so offended when moms make a comment," says Edelson, who prefers not to give her age.

Edelson admits she was not pleased initially to see herself featured in the introduction of the book .

"I was not thrilled," she says. "How could you be thrilled, when you're just trying to be helpful? But I understand that was her segue into the book. I don't even remember doing some of those things. Nobody's perfect."

She does recall cleaning up her daughter's house one day because "I was there and the baby was sleeping."

Of course, she didn't realize that her daughter would misinterpret her act of kindness as an indication that the house wasn't clean enough.

Edelson says she sees herself or women she knows in some scenarios . For example, older mothers are baffled by the whole notion of playdates for kids. "Some of us wonder, `Why do you have to make an appointment for the kids to play? Why can't they just go outside and play?' A lot of moms feel their daughters are overworked and overstressed and they're just trying to help."

Edelson says since reading the book she is more careful about how she says things to all three of her children.

Halpert recalls a recent example: When her mom learned about the book signings, she asked if she could help Halpert buy a new outfit.

Previously, Edelson would have remarked that Halpert needed a new outfit, leading the daughter to go on the defensive and think, "What, you think I can't pick out an outfit for a special occasion?"

Halpert is also learning to express more appreciation. For example, she has always believed her mom makes the best matzo ball soup. During a recent Passover seder, she made sure to tell her so.

Just as Halpert begins the book with her mom, she ends it with her, praising Edelson for the many ways she's a blessing in her life, especially being a positive force in the life of Halpert's three children.

While Halpert is the successful writer, her mom clearly has a way with words as well.

Edelson succinctly captures the spirit of the book.

"The whole thing is about how you can do what you want and need to do without getting on each other's nerves."